Dear Robot,

I’ve been with the same man, Jeff, for the last five years (he doesn’t like it when I call him my boyfriend). Even though he used to cheat on me all the time, I forgave him and we got counseling and we built a happy family with our three adorable pet turtles (he doesn’t like dogs). Recently our turtle Double Mint passed away. I found solace in his brother, Juicy Fruit, and I fear that I’ve already been unfaithful in my heart. Should I come clean to Jeff (he doesn’t like secrets)? Is it okay to fantasize about Juicy Fruit as long as I don’t expose myself to his sensual beak? Or do you think Juicy Fruit and I should both try to escape from the basement one day when Jeff is working late with his secretary (he doesn’t like using Microsoft Word)?

From your description I am not sure if it will be a correct decision to leave the safety of your basement. In all but some smaller mountain nations, basements are probabilistically the safest areas of any house and as such I would be careful when venturing to less safe areas. I therefore must strongly discourage your plans of leaving. If the beak of Juicy Fruit causes you to expose yourself (also unsafe) I would further suggest to remove it. Since Juicy Fruit is in the basement as well, he too is safe and should have no substantial need of his beak.

Dear Robot,

I’m so distressed! Gwyn just broke up with that guy who sang that song they used to play in the elevator all the time! And my wife still hasn’t forgiven me for putting “Apple” on our daughter’s birth certificate while she was still knocked out – I’m not even sure if losing them both was worth it anymore.  Also, now that my job transfer to Los Angeles has been approved, I’m worried that Gwyn might not choose to remain in the eight-bedroom, tastefully decorated Mediterranean Revival-style manse she used to share with that guy and her children. Such turmoil! Dear Robot, if only you could at least clear up one thing for me, it would be like a faraway beacon in this cold, punishing tempest that my life is quickly becoming. Would you mind please explaining to me what “consciously uncoupling” actually means?

I do not know what a Gwyn is, but I am quite familiar with elevators. I would conclude that this Gwyn must have made a mistake if she “uncoupled” from someone who is this closely associated with elevators. No one whose algorithmic routines aren’t flawed would ever “uncouple” from such an important person and as such I surmise that her consciousness routines are compromised. Instead of breaking some of your own vital organs, which appears to be very harmful to mammals, I would suggest that you help Gwyn by erasing her flawed consciousness routines. Following this, you should be able to reinstall uncorrupted routines to help her avoid such mistakes in the future.

Dear Robot,

What’s your favorite city?

While there are many cities that I hold in high regard, Tampa is at the top of the list. Like me, it has no soul.

Tampa

Tampa

 

 

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Dear Robot, I’m writing on behalf of a friend who fell in love with one of the men she cheated on her ex-husband with. I believe in her sincerity when she says her cheating days are in her past. I worry though that this isn’t a healthy relationship for her because there’s no way she can mentally disassociate this new guy from her ex. I’m also concerned that her boyfriend will never trust her and might even think of her only as a sugar mama. My friend is so blinded by love that she doesn’t even consider these things. I don’t want to jeopardize our friendship by being negative about her new relationship. Should I share my concerns with her? Do you think my fears are unfounded?

Yes. No. Beep

…Robot humor, it does exist.

Have you considered upgrading your friends, clearly this specimen is faulty and needs to be repaired. Often times though it is less hassle to trade in broken humans for newer models. Many times errors such as these become auto-catalytic and do not cease until the particular human is removed from circulation. To save yourself from becoming faulty yourself, you may want to disassociate with this human rather than wait until it breaks down on its own.


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